Monday, April 19, 2010
These last few weeks have been a lesson in humility, a search for inspiration, the questions. Depression and losing my way..painting in vain and struggle with everything. I have thought that I have worried too much about success, feeling hopeless that I would ever sell, wondering about the decisions of entering shows..am I ready? Should I take the time to quiet my thoughts, not overthink this, paint for enjoyment..is it ever enjoyable? The brief connection with my child memories, the scintillating flash if the brush or paint or composition actually work..not enough of these moments makes me want them more and hence the overthinking, the frustration and mistakes. Am I trying too hard? Am I worried that I am too old to get this going, that I will run out of time and health before I actually get it right for me?I want to just sleep, to dream of my paintings, to live in that netherworld that doesn't ask much of me but to just observe. Is that what I have ben missing all this time? Just observe and be aware? What ever it is I am stuck, and fighting to get out. Like quicksand I think to myself that I should just lay back and float out of this but the fighter in me kicks and screams and hurts and cries out..not much different from my childhood!
Reading " Design and composition secrets of professional artists" put out by International Artist Magazine. The artist Alan Bruce says " I suggest students not hanker for success because it is "the process" and the resulting individualization that is most important.If the art you produce is the best you can do,success will come to you in due course, otherwise you can create a whopping blockage-which is what often occurs. The way to establish your art is through honesty and integrity. An abused gift will always fly back to haunt you."
The word hanker is apropo...I do want success, I do want adulation, I do want money to defray bills and feel like this is the right way to go...I guess I am just insecure..no news there.
So I think it is time to back off a bit and just paint to paint. maybe garden a bit..garden myself and my ideas, visualize them more fully, I am surprised at how hard it is to paint..and I have been painting for such a long time! maybe I need to be much more honest with myself,
I am posting a painting I did in high school after a student exchange in Mexico.