Friday, June 25, 2010
This is a photo i took last night.I have not posted for a while or kept up with all of you..so sorry but my eyes cannot read computer late night and I have been working so hard on cleaning out my tack shed that I literally have not painted for days. I just don't seem to have enough energy to do all things when I want to..when did that happen? When did my body betray me? But shed is done and now there is a pile of stuff to haul to the dump and that is Hubby's job. I have watched a lot of Colorado Rockies baseball and enjoy that so much.
Still I know I put obstacles in the way of my painting. It has been hurtful and strange to think that so much of what I was doing simply hasn't worked for me. Hubby put it correctly to me today when he said I need to decide if the art is a money making effort and if that is so, then I should just get a job. It reminded me that for years I was so against treating making art as a job..because I wanted to love it. But this past 1 1/2 years has been about trying to position myself to make money on my art and the joy went away..funny..you would think I would know better but have to keep relearning the lessons! I will start painting this weekend again..I am participating in the Wasatch Plein Air Paradise and it goes from tomorrow till July 2, then there are 2 paintouts which I probably will not do. I quit looking at art and going to gallery stroll, I quit talking about my art, I quit painting, I quit entering shows,
I am afraid my paddle plant has died at the studio I have not gone to for days.. So now I want to do 4 small plein air paintings in something other than trying complete representation. Then I hope I can start a project of teaching myself a new way to paint..a losing myself in the paintings and trying not to let everyday money problems creep into what I am doing. I know I said I was giving up my studio but I still can't make that decision..sigh sometimes it would be great if someone would take over and let me paint. I have been in charge of all things financial, keeping house, raising sons, even took over for my Mom when she went back to work when I was 13..I cooked and cleaned for a family of 7 for several years.. I just so wanted a life of my own and it really has never happened. I have never had anyone who could help so I could do what I need for myself. Not a question of not asking..I ask, I get turned down, or I trust and things crash and burn. Oh well..my life and I get to live it and try harder to make things work. I was hoping that with age would come wisdom, more like with age has come regret, indecision, loneliness and self-doubt!! Yipes. wish me luck on my plein air and I hope to catch up on past blogs soon. Have a great weekend.