This is a photo i took last night.I have not posted for a while or kept up with all of you..so sorry but my eyes cannot read computer late night and I have been working so hard on cleaning out my tack shed that I literally have not painted for days. I just don't seem to have enough energy to do all things when I want to..when did that happen? When did my body betray me? But shed is done and now there is a pile of stuff to haul to the dump and that is Hubby's job. I have watched a lot of Colorado Rockies baseball and enjoy that so much.
Still I know I put obstacles in the way of my painting. It has been hurtful and strange to think that so much of what I was doing simply hasn't worked for me. Hubby put it correctly to me today when he said I need to decide if the art is a money making effort and if that is so, then I should just get a job. It reminded me that for years I was so against treating making art as a job..because I wanted to love it. But this past 1 1/2 years has been about trying to position myself to make money on my art and the joy went away..funny..you would think I would know better but have to keep relearning the lessons! I will start painting this weekend again..I am participating in the Wasatch Plein Air Paradise and it goes from tomorrow till July 2, then there are 2 paintouts which I probably will not do. I quit looking at art and going to gallery stroll, I quit talking about my art, I quit painting, I quit entering shows,
I am afraid my paddle plant has died at the studio I have not gone to for days.. So now I want to do 4 small plein air paintings in something other than trying complete representation. Then I hope I can start a project of teaching myself a new way to paint..a losing myself in the paintings and trying not to let everyday money problems creep into what I am doing. I know I said I was giving up my studio but I still can't make that decision..sigh sometimes it would be great if someone would take over and let me paint. I have been in charge of all things financial, keeping house, raising sons, even took over for my Mom when she went back to work when I was 13..I cooked and cleaned for a family of 7 for several years.. I just so wanted a life of my own and it really has never happened. I have never had anyone who could help so I could do what I need for myself. Not a question of not asking..I ask, I get turned down, or I trust and things crash and burn. Oh well..my life and I get to live it and try harder to make things work. I was hoping that with age would come wisdom, more like with age has come regret, indecision, loneliness and self-doubt!! Yipes. wish me luck on my plein air and I hope to catch up on past blogs soon. Have a great weekend.
I have listened to your struggle. You are not alone. As artists we wait for the muse and we need the time available and the quiet so that we can hear the muse's voice. Too many times life enters and roars at us and drowns out the muse, but the muse is there waiting for the right time. May you be blessed this week with the feeling that comes from doing what you love.
ReplyDeletegood eve, kay, i am hoping your time at the fair was good and you enjoyed...and you again found your muse within your heart/mind as she is there waiting for you and you to find her in your life too....sometimes we let life take a front seat to what we need to live, artists need art, to create to live so to live well, you must let your muse come back and you must continue onward, creating as you do, and may i suggest you stop worrying about selling and making art that will sell and just enjoy, be in the moment of it's creation so you can feel that joy and it will help heal these doubts that have crept into you...they get us all from time to time, i am no different nor the commenter before me....so keep on creating, kay, don't let those voices get to you.....and lay down some laws if you have people where you live not respecting what your needs as an artists are....usually it is we artists who won't lay them down because we don't believe we deserve them but you do, i do , we all do....have a good weekend and i look forward to seeing what comes from this dark moment of the soul time for you.
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